I was listening to NPR today as I was cooking some fish–salmon and tomatoes (yum). Elizabeth Cook, the Country star, was talking about a song she wrote called, “Heroin Addict Sister” and I thought, what a dumb name for a song. But the song played and I quickly changed my tune. It was more than nice. Melissa Block asked her to talk more about the woman in the song but she refused–which was done in such a polite and strong way–but she did say something to this effect: “People are complicated and one of my pet peeves is for things and people, and their thought on something to get so polarized, all black or all white. And it’s not true, it’s just not true in our politics, it’s not true in our feelings, in our music. People are complex. I can’t stand to see something generalized and glossed over.”
I sometimes think I’m all bad when I make mistakes, the same mistakes I’ve struggled with forever. But in no situation am I all bad or am I all good. And at times when I do good things, just wait, because the bad is sure to follow. But it is true the other way around as well. “Oh, sh@# I made that same damn mistake!” Well, I suppose it’s just a matter of time before I do something good again. And this is hopeful. This gives me hope. I can feel it entering my bloodstream, pumping out of my heart even as I write.
And then when Elizabeth Cook was done with the interview I had the singular sensation that I wanted to date this woman.
My last couple of days were no good for the most part. I chose the addiction again. And when things were at the worse, when I felt that I just didn’t want to try anymore, when I had written a suicide not of sorts, I came across this interview on the radio. Even when we refuse to look we can find hope in the most unexpected of places.
So this is the introduction of my new blog. This blog is written by one man, who shall remain anonymous. I do this so that perhaps others, who suffer from addiction, any addiction, but especially the damnable addiction of pornography may find hope along the road to recovery.
I am in my early 30′s and have struggled with this particular addiction for going on what seems like an eternity. I give this little history not so you will feel sorry for me but so that you may see that we are brothers (sisters are welcome too) who are in the same boat, just trying to stay afloat. But I also give you my history so that it perhaps may shed some light on the reality of this struggle.
I was born into a very “religious” home. Yet my father was the furthest from the true principles of his religion he could possibly be. I was abused physically, and sexually. And when I wasn’t being abused I was being manipulated, lied to, and mostly ignored. This took it’s toll on me. As a 10 year old, playing with GI Joe’s and He-Man action figures I was at a friend’s house and we discovered his father’s large stash of Penthouse magazines.
Needless to say, with no adult supervision, we thoroughly discovered pornography. At 16 it was alcohol, and pot, which soon turned to petty crime, and all kinds of drugs. At 17 I was barely at home and living in meth houses, and losing my virginity in my teenage years. By the time I turned 21 I was burned out.
I soon begun to hunger and thirst for a release from this lifestyle. I got into martial arts, sobriety, education, and philosophy. But at the same time I began to use the internet and I was soon a full fledged pornography addict. Since the age of 22 I have tried to stop and have had mild successes here and there, yet I have always found a way back.
I converted to my faith at the age of 22 and served a mission for my Church two years later. With a lot of hard work and help from my Bishop I was able to get sober. But when I finished my two year mission I fell into my old depressed ways of thinking and was soon heavily entrenched in pornography.
A few years later, and mountains of filth in my head I was disfellowshipped for behaviors unbecoming a member of the Church. I had much soul searching to do. This was a very bleak period of my life, leading up to the disciplinary action and after the action was taken. There is no need to go into the misery I put myself through but needless to say that with a lot of soul searching and the Lord’s tender mercies I came back to the Church and a while later I was received back into full fellowship of the Church.
However, my battle is still not over. I continue to struggle with pornography but I know it can be overcome. One of my missions in life is to help other addicts come to a realization that we can recover, and that through the atonement of Christ we can all be set free from this devouring beast. We just have to choose. But this choice can be the hardest of all. I hope you can join me on the road to recovery.
This blog will take you on the steps to my recovery and I hope that you can find some sense of help and brotherhood in the words I will provide.
The-Tender-Mercies-of-the-Lord.
Advertisement
SocialVibe