There is a book I bought a few months ago while at a library book sale, entitled, “Addiction & Grace; Love and Spirituality In the Healing of Addictions”, by Gerald G. May, M.D. When I began to read it I was a bit skeptical so I kept my reading casual, occasionally coming across some really great passages but remaining wary of this man’s approach to a topic I know so intimately. But I have soon become an absolute fan and proponent of this book and I’m only on chapter 4 -half way done.
If I were to quote everything in the book that I have found exilerating this post would be too long. But I’ll go ahead and quote bits and pieces from this book and let you decide for yourself if you’d like to read it. And I highly recommend that you do. I’ll include the link to Amazon right here http://www.amazon.com/Addiction-Grace-Gerald-G-May/dp/0060655372 to make it easier for you.
Ch. 2: “Experience, The Qualities of Addiction”
“As we shall see, the relationship between attachment and addiction is not as simple as it might sound. For one thing, the brain never completely forgets its old attachments, so the absence of conscious desire does not necessarily mean attachment is gone. In fact, because of the tricks our minds play on us, many of our addictions are able to exist for years completely outside of our awareness; it is only when our addictions are frustrated or cause us conflict that we have an opportunity to notice how attached we truly are” (pg. 25).
I found this particularly apt. At one time I had been completely free of addiction for nearly two years. This was the happiest time in my life. I was in my element, helping others, studying and writing all the time. I had a good life and I felt close to God. But soon thereafter I went through a huge change where I was taken from this amazing ideological environment and given a new task–to deal with my own life, to move ahead and make something of myself. Soon thereafter I went through one of the major depressive periods of my life and was soon looking at pornography like I had never done. I was online for hours, staying up well into the night. I began to suffer and soon decided to get on medication.
When I read what May had written, “addictions are able to exist for years completely outside of our awareness; it is only when our addictions are frustrated..” it opened up my understanding to what I had gone through on several occassions. At times when I’ve been sober for months or even years I actually thought that this plague had been lifted from my soul. And when things changed, when I let my guard down, when I couldn’t handle the new stress that was placed before me I had always fallen. And this was and always will be extremely devestating.
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“Another complicating factor is that behavior is not limited to external physical activity. Thinking is also a behavior, a ‘doing.’ Thus images, memories, fantasies, ideas…and even certain feeling states can become objects of attachment, and one can become fully addicted to them” (pg. 25).
The other day it was mother’s day and I was saying goodbye to my mom after a nice visit. I had had a nice time. However, this nice time was had in a home environment that I have associated with all the abuses, manipulations, and exploitations of my childhood. The “feeling state” that this environment has produced doesn’t have the same effect on me that it has had. I have come a long way in my healing. Nevertheless, home, seems to produce a feeling of loneliness, victimhood, and isolation among other feelings. I mean, home is where I was touched by my father in very negative ways.
However, time has passed and it is time for healing, right? Well, my addiction to my feeling state caused this internal altercation at the door: While I was hugging my mom goodbye I wanted to tell her how much she means to me and how much I really do love her. However, try as I might, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pull nor push myself through a mollasses like feeling. All I could do was to briskly say, “I love you too” as I hugged her and walked away. And to add, to this day I am unable to kiss my mother, even on her cheek. I see this in movies and in real life and I feel deficient. But I am so addicted to the ”home feeling state” that I feel almost paralyzed to repeat my same actions. And I often just say to myself, “I am just not me when I am home.”
I think this is sad.
Well, because the rule is to not stress over how perfect I can write and to just post as often as I can, I will leave you with this and probably add more pages concerning this book in the future. See, my goal is to spend no more than an hour a day working on this blog.
Have a great day. Live long and soberly. And if you can’t be sober now, then someday I know you will. Take hope and keep on trying.
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