This is an old journal entry that illustrates some of my past leading causes of messing up. It wasn’t too long after this that I fell really hard. If you find yourself in this state I would suggest getting out and getting out fast!
Wednesday, August 05, 2009 11:38 pm
For the past two days I’ve done nothing but lie in bed and play games on my cell phone. I skipped work, a work which hurts so much to do. When I think of it there is an intense sadness within me, an inside out sadness. I’m not sure if this is just from work but I want to cry. Tears are welling up in my eyes and I’m not 100% sure I know why.
Sometimes a sadness creeps up and out of me, like a mossy plant that clings to my outsides and suffocates me; except the suffocation is slow and almost comfortable like a pair of pissed trousers on a small child who can sit for hours on end, sullen and warm.
I skipped church because of this sadness. I skipped eating and drinking and sitting up and thinking. I played the video games because I don’t have to think. I don’t know but it’s something stirring in my blood and it boils over at times sending me into a state of mourning. I’m not sure if I bring on these states of mourning myself by a simple act of playing games, but I think there is something beneath the surface and I’m tapping in at the root just to let it breathe. But the steam that’s released is vaporous and damp. The dampness is the only thing I can get a hold of. But the marrow is deep down and I can’t get there so I just let it up and out from time to time and breathe heavy for a time.
I called Sarah this evening and we watched “Stardust.” I really liked it. It’s based on a Neil Gaiman book. I think I want to read this.
I want to sequester myself off for a year in California and write a children’s story that will become a franchise. I want to do this so I can provide for my family. I want to do this to prove how wonderful my imagination can be. I want to do this because I think I’m capable of doing it.
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