Posted by: PorNotForMe | May 19, 2010

Por-Not-For-Me (rhymes with…)

I was listening to NPR today as I was cooking some fish–salmon and tomatoes (yum). Elizabeth Cook, the Country star, was talking about a song she wrote called, “Heroin Addict Sister” and I thought, what a dumb name for a song. But the song played and I quickly changed my tune. It was more than nice. Melissa Block asked her to talk more about the woman in the song but she refused–which was done in such a polite and strong way–but she did say something to this effect: “People are complicated and one of my pet peeves is for things and people, and their thought on something to get so polarized, all black or all white. And it’s not true, it’s just not true in our politics, it’s not true in our feelings, in our music. People are complex. I can’t stand to see something generalized and glossed over.”
I sometimes think I’m all bad when I make mistakes, the same mistakes I’ve struggled with forever. But in no situation am I all bad or am I all good. And at times when I do good things, just wait, because the bad is sure to follow. But it is true the other way around as well. “Oh, sh@# I made that same damn mistake!” Well, I suppose it’s just a matter of time before I do something good again. And this is hopeful. This gives me hope. I can feel it entering my bloodstream, pumping out of my heart even as I write.
And then when Elizabeth Cook was done with the interview I had the singular sensation that I wanted to date this woman.
My last couple of days were no good for the most part. I chose the addiction again. And when things were at the worse, when I felt that I just didn’t want to try anymore, when I had written a suicide not of sorts, I came across this interview on the radio. Even when we refuse to look we can find hope in the most unexpected of places.
So this is the introduction of my new blog. This blog is written by one man, who shall remain anonymous. I do this so that perhaps others, who suffer from addiction, any addiction, but especially the damnable addiction of pornography may find hope along the road to recovery.
I am in my early 30’s and have struggled with this particular addiction for going on what seems like an eternity. I give this little history not so you will feel sorry for me but so that you may see that we are brothers (sisters are welcome too) who are in the same boat, just trying to stay afloat. But I also give you my history so that it perhaps may shed some light on the reality of this struggle.
I was born into a very “religious” home. Yet my father was the furthest from the true principles of his religion he could possibly be. I was abused physically, and sexually. And when I wasn’t being abused I was being manipulated, lied to, and mostly ignored. This took it’s toll on me. As a 10 year old, playing with GI Joe’s and He-Man action figures I was at a friend’s house and we discovered his father’s large stash of Penthouse magazines.
Needless to say, with no adult supervision, we thoroughly discovered pornography. At 16 it was alcohol, and pot, which soon turned to petty crime, and all kinds of drugs. At 17 I was barely at home and living in meth houses, and losing my virginity in my teenage years. By the time I turned 21 I was burned out.
I soon begun to hunger and thirst for a release from this lifestyle. I got into martial arts, sobriety, education, and philosophy. But at the same time I began to use the internet and I was soon a full fledged pornography addict. Since the age of 22 I have tried to stop and have had mild successes here and there, yet I have always found a way back.
I converted to my faith at the age of 22 and served a mission for my Church two years later. With a lot of hard work and help from my Bishop I was able to get sober. But when I finished my two year mission I fell into my old depressed ways of thinking and was soon heavily entrenched in pornography.
A few years later, and mountains of filth in my head I was disfellowshipped for behaviors unbecoming a member of the Church. I had much soul searching to do. This was a very bleak period of my life, leading up to the disciplinary action and after the action was taken. There is no need to go into the misery I put myself through but needless to say that with a lot of soul searching and the Lord’s tender mercies I came back to the Church and a while later I was received back into full fellowship of the Church.
However, my battle is still not over. I continue to struggle with pornography but I know it can be overcome. One of my missions in life is to help other addicts come to a realization that we can recover, and that through the atonement of Christ we can all be set free from this devouring beast. We just have to choose. But this choice can be the hardest of all. I hope you can join me on the road to recovery.

This blog will take you on the steps to my recovery and I hope that you can find some sense of help and brotherhood in the words I will provide.


Posted by: PorNotForMe | June 10, 2010

Listen to the lyrics.

With all of the amazing gifts women have to offer it is sad that the pornography industry is shamefully making sure that all we come away saying, “L-O-V-E is just another word we never learned to pronounce.”

I think it is imperative that we take action to destroy pornography from off the face of the earth.  I know that it will never stop being produced but to fight it is not to join a losing battle.  One day pornography will be burned from off the face of the world.  And in the meantime wouldn’t it be nice to know you are fighting a fight so worth fighting. 

We need pornography like we need another holocaust.  Join with me and fight this thing! Rise up brethren!

Posted by: PorNotForMe | June 10, 2010

About to head off to addiction class

The date is Wed, June 9th. I wish I had more time to post but I’ve only a few minutes. I met with my new Bishop last night. He told me that the Lord has forgiven me because I’ve confessed and am not repeating my sins. He told me something profound, “I think the Lord forgives us right away. I think that sometimes we just need time to prove to ourselves that we have changed.”

I too need to prove to myself that I’ve changed. I came really close to Church disciplinary action. I lost my Temple recommend for a couple of months. And if I continue on the path that I am currently on I’ll get it back.

However, I’m about to go on a 6 month purge. I am going to be putting off most material items and that means I won’t be near a computer. And this starts on Monday. So I won’t be posting anymore on here after Monday, the 14th. So if I get any posts by that time, please be patient and I’ll get back to you.

I’m going to miss posting on here, but this purge will be worth it. I’m excited for the change. And maybe one day this site will actually do some good for some folks.

Posted by: PorNotForMe | May 25, 2010


“O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or it is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding out many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.  Therefore, lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God, that God” (Mosiah 7:18-19) who has delivered me from the bitterest pill and bleakest land.

“Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled. They profess they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and to every good work reprobate.” Titus 1:15-16

“The mind is a system of ideas, , each with the excitement it arouses , and with tendencies impulsive and inhibitive which usually check or reinforce one another.”–William James

Posted by: PorNotForMe | May 22, 2010

10 min. left at the library

Sometimes it is hard to gauge recovery.  I feel sort of blah.  But maybe that’s because I’m just tired.  But I can tell that things still haven’t stopped.  I’ve had some temptations and random thoughts have popped up in my head.  But this is the lot of life.  Sometimes I think I want wild fireworks, or the next love of my life to walk through my door if I’ve been sober for any time. 

So apparently even when I’m not thinking about it I’m thinking about it.  But I am really liking being sober.  Questions naturally pop up that aren’t that productive–“I don’t feel so different, so what is the difference?”  But the difference is measurable if I could actually quantify the devestation that I felt. 

I feel like I’m just kind of rambling just to write a post but at the same time I know this is a good exercise.  I’m taking back the internet, redifining it for myself.  I’m on the right path.